Thursday, May 14, 2015

Dex

I thought we were taking Dexter in to be treated for a doggie cold but it ended up being a very severe heart murmur. The vet said it was a 5 or 6 with the next phase being heart failure.

This was in August of last year.

Fortunately we've been able to medicate him and keep him alive and comfy since then.

We've been getting constant blood work, urinalysis, and have had 2 ultrasounds.

His first ultrasound showed that he had degenerative heart disease and the most recent one a few weeks ago showed that his heart has grown.

It's sad. I'm sad.

I was devastated when we found out the news and thought it was so unfair because both boys would be in school.

It was supposed to be our time to hang and reconnect after 6 years of him being terrorized by his human brothers.

Just him and me, cuddling in bed. We are doing that now. It's nice.

I can't help but feel the dread and I don't know what to do with it.

I am beyond grateful we got more time together but the inevitable is going to happen and most likely soon since his cough has changed.

I don't want to put him down, I don't know that I believe in euthanizing. I definitely don't want to see him suffer though.

I've told a couple people this is going to be major for my sobriety. I NEED to be sober. I stopped last time accidentally and definitely spiraled with the little ones asthma and then again in August with Dexters shortened life sentence.

All those health ailments while growing a business was so exhausting. And too much which ushered in the self medicating.

I feel like I'm in survival mode. People ask me about the weekend and I respond I'm just trying to get through the next event. Whatever it is. Picking up the kids from school, going to the grocery store, a play date, whateves. One day at a time right?

I feel like a flake because I cancel stuff but I feel so physically uncomfortable and tired and know that I'm "taking care of myself" but wonder if I'm ever going to be able to have energy. To be able to consistantly get shit done. Is it always going to be so much of a struggle?

I want balance. I want to be able to rest but rest when the house is clean so when I rest its real rest instead of guilt rest. I want to be able to numb out some of the pain and dread I feel about Dex and about the recent news of illnesses and divorces.

I know now that I must "sit through it" but God that's so much easier said than done. How long does it last? I know the pain will end but those situations won't. The change won't. The uncertainty won't.

I'm grateful to be writing again. This is good for me.

Monday, May 11, 2015

Change

When I loaded the almost full sink of dirty dishes into the just emptied dishwasher I made eye contact with the pots that needed to be handwashed. ­čĹÇ

My immediate thought was, "meh...I'm already doing enough with the dirty dishes, I'll just do the pots later."

The following thought was "Just do it. Then it's done. Your hands are already wet. It'll take 5 more minutes. Get the job done."

Then I felt queasy.

Like a for real physical gross response to cleaning! Hahah! Intense!

Even though I was literally sickened by washing pots I completed the job.

And as you've already assumed, I felt much better the moment it was done.

It wasn't til I began a Marie Forleo interview hours later that I recalled seeing it before and being very impacted by the topic.

The interview was on change and habits and what happens to us on a molecular level. The part that most stuck with me most was how when we attempt to make changes our cells also change (by vibrating) and that can cause physical discomfort.

Obvs the video is included for you. This interview hit me hard and I've shared it with multiple people at random times since I saw it but it wasn't until the dish sitch that I noticed it happening to myself.

Since my awareness of the ick feeling I've noticed it appear again. During similar situations too...when it comes to completing something. Instead of finishing, I think "I'll do it later." but since the Aha moment I've finished whatever it was I was working on and told those sick cells to suck it up because mama is making some changes. Yessss!

#feelingmotivated


Friday, May 8, 2015

Recovering

I wrote the other night about how I've been taking care of myself. Since then I went to a high school reunion meeting and dove into that a bit more.

Oh those poor unsuspecting souls.

My regular guy was there and asked how business was.. I started to tell him, and a girl from our graduating class (whom I'd never met before that night), about my absolute disdain for all things vendor events.

The conversation (soapbox) was going alright until I tried to explain why it was difficult. The talking to strangers for hours and the physical labor involved. The rejection, the encouragement, the lack of sales, the small talk, the questions, the suggestions. It's all a lot.

As I'm talking about how hard it is to talk to people I can't help but feel like a jackass. I mean, I love talking to people, it's the sales part I don't like. And it's selling something that I have an emotional attachment to that's very hard.

He asked though and I was honest that vendor events wipe me out. I truthfully told them it takes a couple days to recover from each event.

That's the point of the convo where I felt the worst about myself and how I was appearing.

The "new" girl wasn't receptive to me (maybe she was tired or not used to people who speak so much about themselves/their trials) from the beginning.

As I heard the words "days to recover" come out of my mouth I thought about her perception of me and how "regular" people do things daily that they don't want to do.

Go to jobs that they have tasks to get done, meetings with people they don't like and day after day of long physically/emotionally draining days.

They don't get days to recover. Well, the weekend but that's after God knows how many personally uncomfortable experiences that they've had to go through.

I did that. For 15 years. And I disliked it. Immensely.

I coped but I did so by numbing myself with substances and living for the moment I could leave each night and of course for the weekends so I could rage my face off.

Life is so much better now.

I know that I am beyond #blessed (­čśŁ) to have had it all line up. And I am not at all delusional about the amount of hard ass work I put into it and the amount of "fun" I "missed out" on. But I am fortunate enough to be able to put myself in uncomfortable (for me) situations and then do as I see fit to grow or maintain my business.

This whole self care/compassion thing is a tricky one. Im doing it and know I need to but how do I talk about it without seeming insensitive to "regular" people? Or just don't talk about it? That's probably the best bet for me! Less chance of jackassery.

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Return

I wasn't sober for a while so I stopped writing. I always wanted to write but felt like my lack of sobriety was a betrayal to my writing and the blog. Plus, my brain doesn't function as clearly while under the influence.

I've been taking care of myself. It feels good. In the last week I've fallen asleep before 9 more times than not. Sleep is so good. Unfortunately it hasn't been uninterrupted but getting out of the up til midnight crap is good.

I've also been taking my Prozac and new vitamins daily for a few months now. I'm taking vitamin b6 and b12 and lysine.  My brains never felt so quick.

I've had a hunch for the past half decade or so that the vegetarian diet was negatively impacting me but stubbornness kept me from fully admitting it to myself and taking steps to get better.

I do believe my inability to learn and retain information before wasn't just from poor nutrition but also childhood stresses centered around learning. It all plays a part.

Anywho, I'm grateful for Marie Forleos video today encouraging writers to write because this has been missing from my life and I know how much joy writing gives me and how it heals me and I needed to start again.

So welcome back to me and I look forward to sharing more of the past year which has been such a pivotal time in my life for growth, self awareness and realizations.