Monday, December 22, 2014


No Judgement.

Those two words entered my head in a very calm and stern voice on our way to the funeral last week.  

I've thought about judgement a lot. Haven't we all?

It wasn't until I recognized how much I judged others and filled my mind with proper actions the judgee should take that I realized just how useless judging others is.

So much time and energy wasted thinking I knew what was best for someone else.  That's egocentric, negative and a sincere waste of my own time.

So I stopped doing it.  Slowly but surely.

For the people I felt I judged too much, who had lifestyles way different than mine and that I believed our spiritual paths wouldn't meet up again, I let them go.

For the family members and loved ones who I was concerned about but knew that the bond there was unable to brake I learned to deal with it and not invest my emotional energy and beliefs into hoping they'd steer themselves down my right path.

Sounds ludicrous, right?  "down my right path"

But that's the basis of judging...thinking someone should be living how you live,  or the appearance to others as how you live.

The opportunity to judge others comes up often though and I am constantly tested.  Most often I'm tested when I am in uncommon situations, like a child's funeral.

When I heard myself think "No Judgement" I thought, jeez, I'm not a monster....who the hell could I judge at a child's funeral?

Then I thought about children being there.
And some friends not being there.
And the response some people would have. Some could cry really loud and  maybe some would be stone cold.
What if someone showed up drunk.
Or arrived late.

Damn! I'm good at this judging thing!  I came up with all that in seconds!

My mind was preparing me and preventing me from letting the true message from the day be taken away from me.

While we are busy judging others, we are unable to see what is happening in that moment.

What the priest was saying.  The smell of incense. The sun coming through. The warmth from Ryan holding my hand.  My gf handing a tissue to our friend. The stupid fuzzball on my friends jacket (R later said I could pick it off, which I did without the guy noticing).  The beautiful voice the woman behind me had.

If I was busy judging all the people and *perceived* questionable things around me the entire message and importance from those moments would have been lost on me.  And that would have been a shame because the funeral was such a moving and spiritual experience.

I've recognized that the people that are the most judgmental are the ones with the most self doubt and feelings of being judged themselves.

I want to share that since I've been able to curb the judgement I no longer feel like I'm being judged.  Which may or may not be the case but it's lost it's hold over me.

My piece of advice: let the judgers judge and you spend your time and energy on something positive, like making your life as beautiful as you want it be.


Sunday, December 14, 2014


I was sitting in the living room waiting to pick up the four year old from preschool. I went into the kitchen to get something to eat because if I didn't eat before I got him I'd usually be so wrapped up after that I would end up really hangry by 2.

I look out the kitchen window and see a huge number of crows in my neighbor and my yard, our sidewalks and on her car.  I wanted to grab my phone to take a picture but it was in the living room and for some reason I thought I should stay and watch.  After counting at least 22 I see them all take off into the sky together.

I didn't know what it was for but I knew what I saw was a "sign" and that it should stay with me.

After the birds took flight I went into the living room to grab my phone. I checked Twitter real quick to waste a couple more minutes before getting the boy. I see a post by Russell Simmons media group "School shooting reported ...."  I'd seen enough. I closed out and headed to get my boy.

I got a glimpse of how serious it was when I got to the boys preschool.  The administrators daughter and desk lady were very shaken up. The parents picking their kids up were too.

We headed to the grocery store and I heard a dj start to talk about it and quickly changed the channel. My bubble is comfy and ignorance is bliss.

The news was unavoidable. I found out later that afternoon.

When I found out the number I thought back to the crows.  How they were all together and I knew when I saw them fly off together that they would stick together.

It did provide some solace to me but I still ended up sleeping with one of the two boys for weeks.  I couldn't not be around them.

There hasn't been a Christmas assembly where I haven't thought about and mourned for those parents, siblings, school staff and responders.  Ugh, the first responders...that really got to me.  What they saw and were responsible to take care of.  Unbelievable.

I wrote this poem the night after while staring at my big boy:

Friday, December 12, 2014


I don't want to go to sleep.  Tomorrow morning we have to do the unimaginable, go to our friends sons funeral.  Weddings and funerals... It's not supposed to be a child's funeral.

I haven't wrapped my mind around him passing. I feel like I mourned while he was alive. The amount of suffering he underwent all while his family had to witness tore me up inside.

I couldn't help but put myself in his moms shoes.

Imagining her watch the child she grew inside of her that was conceived by the love she had with her husband lose his life.

In front of her eyes!  And not in a soft and subtle way but by a disease that had no regard for the torture it was inflicting on him and the people who loved him the most in the world.

I thank God that they no longer have to see their child suffer but then I think about them never being able to physically hold their child in their arms and it hurts so bad.  It's all such bull shit. And  utterly unbelievable.

2 and a half years of fighting and hoping and campaigning and praying and treatments and pain...debilitating physical and emotional pain...all to end in a funeral.  

I'm sad, pissed, disturbed but not lonely.  Because of the way the family shares, everyone I've come in contact with this week knows of his passing.  We've been able to talk and express our confusion and anger and admiration for the family.

Aa and I were texting and I told her I didn't want to go to sleep.  We mentioned funerals and I looked up a post I wrote 2 years ago regarding my friends moms funeral.  It was good to read prior to tomorrow.  Hopefully I can remember that all feelings go up to the sun.