Anniversary

Earth Day 2012 was the first day of the most transforming period of my life. If you have been following along with this blog you know that was the first day of a 20 day cleanse I went on by Kathy Freston.

Around day 7 of the cleanse I had an epiphany that sobriety was needed in my life. It was necessary to maximize my energy, decrease my depression, and help my relationship with my baby.

A couple weeks ago I was talking with a friend and she asked how long it had been since I drank. I told her it would be a year on April 23. Always a stickler for the truth, I said I consider April 23 my anniversary although I drank twice after. Once to test and make sure I was able to start drinking again at a moderate pace (that was an experience chronicled in Relapse) and again on my first annual sister's trip that was also chronicled in September 2012. The trip was chronicled, not my drinking.

I had 4 beers one night that also reconfirmed my need for permanent sobriety. I drank because all my sisters were and if you cant beat them, join them, right? False! I wont do it again. I just didnt want to feel like a narc. None of my sister's knew I had decided to quit drinking for good and that I needed to have it be a permanent lifestyle change. Being the 1 out of 4 that couldnt handle the juice, makes for a difficult conversation. I have an addictive personality. Addiction can be hereditary. My sisters dont have issues. I do. Bringing my stuff to light could seem like I'm condemning them. Which I wasnt. It was all about me. So I drank again. And drinking those 4 beers after 5 months of sobriety (minus the Relapse experiment) also reconfirmed my need for a permanent change.

I didnt put sobriety at the forefront of my conversations. Instead I mostly retreated into myself while undergoing all the changes. I realized after I quit smoking cigarettes multiple times, the trick to making it last for me is to not discuss it. When people know you are quitting something they ask about it. A lot. And the more something is talked about, the more charge it is given. "hey, when was the last time you had a cigarette?" Mmm....ciggie!

I didnt completely hole up about sobriety (I wholeheartedly believe that would end in failure) but would talk to my husband about how difficult it was and would pray and asked other friends who have gone through rehab, known alcoholics or quit on their own (Process is a post about an open chat with my husband's bff). In the beginning trying to explain to people who dont have an issue with it is difficult. Actually, it still is to this date. So you know, I cant handle one drink. Unlike Gordon Ramsey's order, I cant "SHUT IT DOWN!"

Anywho, I told my friend about the date and the 2 attempts of controlled drinking and she informed me very matter of factly that April 23 was not my anniversary. That was very upsetting to me. I let her words swirl in my head until I hung out last week with one of my more positive and encouraging friends. I told her about how upset the other friend made me and asked if she thought it was an overreaction. She said I had the right to be upset and marking April 23 as my anniversary is not out of line because not only did I quit drinking that day, it was the first day that spurred a lot of change and growth.

I want and need a date to recognize all of the positive changes I have made in my life. It's a date to honor when the fog was lifted and when I started loving and taking care of myself and embracing the confused little girl inside of me.

So, to further encourage my obviously impending full blown hippie lifestyle (sorry husband) I will deem my sobriety anniversary as Earth Day. You get the point, it's around the same time every year. If anyone else takes issue with the validity of my anniversary, you can celebrate my sobriety date whenever you feel is appropriate.