Dream

A couple weeks ago I saw an old friend (and coworker) that I hadn't seen in years, since we worked together.  He is the guy that whenever I hear someone talk about him I get a spark and say, "Oh, how is he doing!?!"  He's such a sincere and genuine good guy.  He was going through some difficult stuff when we worked together and I thought about him often.  I am beyond thrilled that he is now sober, engaged to an amazing gal, and has what he referred to as the dream job.

He asked how I was doing.  I showed him pictures of the boys.  He looked at me and smiled and said, "Do you remember this was all you talked about when we worked together?  Being married with kids."  I replied with my normal response, "Yep, I'm living the dream."

Then, for a reason unknown at the time, at a house party, sitting there with this guy and two of my girlfriends across the table from me, I start to cry.  Yea, I'm that guy.  But sober...so no excuses.

With tears welling up and my voice cracking I tried to verbalize that my whole life I've wanted to be where I am now.  And now that I'm here it is so much better than I ever could have imagined.

So why cry?

A couple summers ago when we returned from vacation I was putting away the baby's clothes.  Since we vacation late in the year some of the outfits were donated because he wouldnt wear them again.  There was a cute Hawaiian two piece that did me in.  I started to bawl.  My husband vowed then to never let me unpack the baby's clothes again because this happened with the big boy after our first vacay.  That was before we knew there would be another child.  This break down was worse because I knew he was our last.  

For weeks after unpacking I felt like doo doo.  I was bruising, couldn't sleep, moody, exhausted, body aches, headaches, etc.  It got so concerning that I set up a doctor's appointment.  I was certain the diagnosis was going to be very bad.  The doctor told me he was going to do a complete blood work test to check my thyroid, iron, etc. and if it all came back normal we would have to talk about depression.

Oh.

I knew before the test results came back that it was depression.  I just had no idea until the doctor mentioned it as a possibility.  Having had previous bouts of depression, all the signs pointed to it but the time of year was wrong and I was distracted with a one and three year old.  When it comes to depression, knowledge is power for me (ironic because earlier this week it was ignorance is bliss, but that's different).  When I can step outside and see what's happening I can take steps to make it better.  I can noodle through what is happening and why and come up with solutions.

So that cute little Hawaiian outfit let me know that I was living my fantasy and the more my baby grew, the closer I got to the end of my dream.  The unknowns to come had me terrified.  What would happen to my life when this dream was over?

My husband and I recently agreed that when the boys are in school I will go back to working at the big boy's school on a part time basis.  I need to be surrounded by little love bugs, even if they aren't my own.

The future still does scare me a bit.  Now when I fast forward life and slap back to reality, I embrace the moments with my little guys even more.