Things

I'm over it.  We have so much stuff.  I told my husband last night I was getting rid of everything.  He said ok.  Then he asked why.  I said 'I read it in a book'.  He said, 'I'm going to write a book about everything I want and then make you read it.'. I said, 'Whatever'.

I would have forgot about that convo if for the past 5 hours I wasn't going from room to room cleaning up piles of crap, moving stuff to its right place, unpacking from our trip, organizing all the Christmas presents, etc.  In my attempt to not bore you I will not include everything that was done but so you know I have had about 30 minutes of actual down time. That's getting a lot of things done.  The reason I had to do so much, is because we have so much.  Please don't misinterpret my nagging as unappreciation for all the luxuries we have.  I know there are plenty of people out there who would love to have this 'problem' of having too much.  I am very grateful that we are able to own all of the staples and necessities, I am ungrateful for the excess that could be put to better use. 

My body is sore from the trip and I'm hormonal and anxious from pms. The mental and physical issues added to 4.5 hours of spinning my wheels have provided some serious insight for me.  I have 3 dreams and now have clarity about these dreams.  These dreams are to live in an RV, a yacht or one of those tiny multi-level one room homes (do you know what I'm talking about?  Saw it in a mag and became obsessed, will try to link a pic later).  All of these dreams are about confined small spaces that you can only put a limited amount of things in!  Sign me up.  Now that I understand my dreams maybe that will encourage me to be more aggressive with clearing things out. 

The book that I mentioned in the first paragraph is 'The Circle of Simplicity:  Return to the Good Life' by Cecile Andrews.  This book is absolutely amazing and of course I fell into it in a bizarre way like Kathy Freston's, Quantum Wellness.  Both of these books are life changers for me.  For you literal folks, the book does not say to give everything away, I just tend to be dramatic with my husband (and everyone else). 

Enough with writing, time to minimize so I have more opportunities to write.  Yea, I just said that.  

Russia

Dear Russian Reader,

I don't know you, but you now know a bit about me. 

While I was headed up to my parents house on Wednesday, to celebrate Thanksgiving, I checked the blog stats (it's a habit I'm working on, see Ego entry) and saw Russia lit up on the map.  The tracker just shows the reader's country, operating system and how many clicks per entry. 

When I started this blog a couple months ago the intention was to connect with others by sharing my experiences.  Since then I have 'met' many people through Twitter who have made me feel a sense of community and reconfirmed the importance of sharing our writings to help others relate, feel normal and/or learn some things.  Despite my attempt to keep this blog anonymous, I had to personally share it with five very close friends because of entries written for them, or about them.  Up until Wednesday, the above mentioned friends read bloggy and made my stats. 

You stand apart from the rest and are a real eye opener.  By you reading multiple heartfelt writings it validates that what I am doing is for a purpose and reaching the intended reader. 

It blows my mind to think of all the differences you and I must have being 'raised' in different continents.  But here we are connecting as humans with the same basic needs.  To feel acceptance, connected, and loved. 

Maybe knowing you are out there reading will help end my stat checking obsession.  Or, maybe I was obsessed because I needed to see you and learn the importance of reaching that one special person.  Either way, thank you. 

Sun

Today we had our normal morning routine of me lying in bed with the husband and little one.  The big one comes in and was very impressed I already brought his milk up.  He lays down and puts his head on my hip.  We are watching Thomas the Train and (I think to reward me for having his milk ready) he says, 'I had a dream last night'.  I get really still and don't say a word.  As any mother (or person who has had a conversation with a child) knows, the slightest distraction can end their train of thought and that train will never return to the station. 

'All feelings go to the sun.  Did you know that, Mom?'.  That was it, the end of his dream story.  But what a gem!  His comment immediately made me think of the lesson in meditation that all thoughts are just clouds passing by.  Thoughts come and go.  No matter how bad or negative a thought cloud is, it can't permanently paint the mind sky.  It's a passing and moving object.  Observe it, or don't, but know that it will float on out of sight in no time. 

After mandatory cuddle time I presented my husband with the opportunity to manage the morning routine so I could get ready for my girlfriends moms funeral.  While I was at church the tears flowed freely.  Every other funeral I tried to stifle the tears, which always turned into uncontrollable sobs that ultimately took away from the service.  This was the first funeral where I was able to get the complete message.  And it was beautiful.  The priest and my girlfriends brother both spoke of the importance of community.  When my girls brother was up there speaking about his mom and how she always helped him when he was making bad decisions, I almost lost it.  I looked to the stained glass windows and saw the sun shine through and heard my angel's words 'all feelings go up to the sun'.

I hope when my beautiful girlfriend looks up to the sky she can see her thoughts in the clouds and feelings in the sun and know that her mama's memories are permanently in her heart. 

Grudges

Do you hold a grudge?  I don't.  I know there were some literal laugh out louds when reading that.  But it's the truth.  Now.  In my past I was notorious for holding a grudge.  Sometimes it would be for years. 

Even during the grudgiest phase of my life I was never able to stay mad at my husband.  Don't get me wrong, I was, and am, very capable of getting mad at him.  We don't fight often but when we do, it's always very short lived and because of a situation that stirs up the same feelings in me as every previous fight.

We got into it this morning and I was over it within a couple hours.  I used to think that was a good thing, but never really gave it too much thought until this morning.  When we fight I avoid telling him my thoughts, then take some time away, and never address it.  Speaking candidly with him during the fight is not an option because I turn into a bumbling idiot with absolutely no coherence.  And because of his work schedule we have very limited alone time together and the last thing I want to do at 9 pm is talk about feelings.  Especially when we are both exhausted from the day. 

When I get over our fights it's always on my own and it's never from addressing the actual issue.  I get over it because I think about how great of a husband and dad he is and I listen to sappy love songs that remind me of my love for him and his love for me. 

I'm just repressing the issue, right?  And this repressed anger will come back even worse the next fight or will appear in a different aspect of my life.

Or, is my method actually a good thing?  To look at the big picture of our relationship and see the beauty in it and skim over the little bits of ugly in it.

I am asking these questions but know that I have to come up with the answers on my own.  Maybe if I had gone the lesbian route (see Chase entry) it would be easier for me to talk about my feelings but I married a man and I want to treat him like a man. On the flip side, he is my partner and should be privy to underlying emotions that sometimes cause and can escalate a lot of would be normal issues.

Congratulations, I just gave myself a headache. 

NIN

There are certain songs that can put me in a very dark mood.  These songs that are so honest and raw that the misery in the artist's voice is palpable. 

The song that sticks out most in my mind right now is "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails.  I used to listen to that song a lot as a teenager.  That's weird.  To listen to something that upset me.  On purpose.  To seek it out.  And it had to be sought out because back in those days it wasn't as easy as typing in youtube.com to hear a song on a laptop or cell phone. 

So why would I intentionally upset myself?  I think it reassured me to know that someone so down could still obtain worldwide notoriety and/or personal success.  But then that thought would get to me.  Because if he had so much "success" how could he possibly be feeling those feelings.  Is it never possible to get rid of the darkness no matter how much access to help you have?  Back then, in my mind, fame and money meant friends and fun which would cure any depression. 

I believed that one day I was guaranteed to experience what Trent Reznor went through because his voice and lyrics effected me so much.  To me, it was a truth, not just a song.  Now I see it for what it is.  A sincere and heartfelt experience that he went through and shared with others for whatever reason he had.  And I am glad he shared it because, although it can put me in a funk, it has really opened my eyes to a lot of things. 

Learning, growing, and sharing.  That's what life is all about, right?

Here

Let me preface this entry with a request for you to be nonjudgmental and see the message as a whole, not just focus on the parts that may not resonate with you or your beliefs.

I am well aware that a lot of people, my husband included, do not believe in psychics, mediums, or any kind of "witch craftery".  I, too, have sincere reservations but am very open minded to the mysteries of this universe and would never fully dismiss anything.  God, psychics, karma, ghosts, law of attraction, science, cavemen, politics, premonitions, organized religion, etc.  

I asked that you be nonjudgmental because, unfortunately, I have the tendency to question other people's sanity when they bring up their experiences.  Not necessarily their sanity for seeing a psychic or mystic, but for telling other people about it.  It's very taboo and I have found the believer's believe and the non-believers get very worked up about it.

Anywho, enough with the very lengthy intro.  On to the message.

About 10 years ago I saw an astrologer.  I gave her my birth date, birth time and day, and location (not my SSN because that would have been too sketch...jk, she didn't ask for it).  She then gave me a 8 to 10 minute synopsis of my life.  To me, it was spot on.  She may have been very adept at "reading" my body language, or saw my interactions with the girls I was with and based her topics on that.  Maybe she told me things she tells everyone, except the girls I was with, because that would have been silly.  Whatever it was, a lot of it has stuck with me. 

The part I will share with you today is that she told me when I am at my highest the people I am connected with are at their lowest.  She explained that in order for me to get through my trials I have to be alone in my misery because I have to deal with it privately (says the girl with the feelings blog).  Also, when I am at the lowest, the universe has it where others aren't being troubled because that would add to my misery.  And when my people are going through their difficult times they need me at my strongest so I can be there for them.  For the past decade I have seen this occur numerous times.  Through marriages, divorces, deaths, broken bones, babies, addictions, jobs, lost jobs, infidelity...the list goes on and on.  I'm up, they are down.  They're up, I'm down.

I'm up right now.  There are horrible things happening to so many people right now and if you need me, I am here.  Or if you need to deal on your own, please know that I am praying for you. 

To quote Michael Jackson:  "You are not alone. I am here with you. Though you're far away. I am here to stay."

Process

A couple months after I quit drinking I asked my friend who had 'gone sober' the previous year how long it took him to feel comfortable with sobriety.  It was difficult for me to ask the question because my husband was in the car and had been drinking at a birthday celebration and I didn't want to be a buzz kill or have him feel like I was judging him.  Asking also made me feel vulnerable because it was verbalizing that even after 6 weeks it was still a struggle.  And, this friend is a rather blunt and off the cuff responder so I was opening myself up for a potential jeer. 

Me, "How long did it take you to not want to drink again?". Him, "It was immediate".  Thanks for making that easy.  Since he obviously didn't get where I was going with my question, I explained that I had done basically everything (house party, show, girls nights, family gatherings, birthday parties) sober but the majority of nights I still really wanted to drink.  That painted a better picture for him and he shared that for the first couple months after he quit drinking he would go to the gym and work out until all he had the energy to do was drive home and climb into bed.  He clarified that his initial response was because sobriety was his only option.  He says, "1 beer was not enough...and 1000 beers was not enough." 

The reason I am sharing this with you is because earlier this week I wanted to drink.  And it was a weird feeling.  It made me think back to the beginning and figure out when the switch happened.  When it actually got easy.  There wasn't any "aha" moment where I just stopped wanting to numb myself, because that's what my dranks were for, but more of a gradual journey to where I'm at now.

If you are struggling with sobriety it could be a lot easier if you confided in someone who has been down that road.  Or, maybe just reading this could help you realize that it is a process that takes a while.  The rewards are immediate and beautiful but the battle can be tough.  Prevail!  If I can do it, anyone can.     

Silence

It is so quiet in my house right now I can feel it warming my insides. 

Silence has been on the forefront of my mind the last week or so.  It started when my rents were in town and I was hormonally complaining about all the talking.  Then I hung out with my girlfriend Saturday evening and we talked about her brother having a difficult time adjusting to middle school because all his elementary friends are attending a different school.  Thinking back to my experiences, I told her she needs to get him involved with clubs or sports because there is nothing worse than silence for a teenage mind.  Telling her that reminded me of a poem I wrote when I was 15 or 16.  I will share it with you now:

Silence
It makes me so tense

To hear not a sound
All around

I scream as loud as I can
It was heard by every man

The silence is gone
But not for long

I used to be terrified of and sickened by silence and now it's one of the most appreciated gifts in my life.  Take away this recovering teenager's self esteem issues, jealousy, and fear of the unknown, and replace it with a loud house full of loving boys and you get a girl that gets revived with silence.  I am aware that the loudness in my life is temporary because of my kids ages.  The love of silence will remain in my life because I'm finally comfortable with me. 

Chase

During vacation this past summer my mother in law and I were with the boys in the lake healing ourselves (see Water entry).  Being caught up in the moment I explained to my mother in law why I believe her son and I have a successful relationship.

I told her that in the beginning of our relationship we were both so caught up with chasing each other we didnt realize we were being chased. 

If I had known back then he was chasing me I would have thought there was something wrong with him and would have lost interest.  Due to past experiences I had a strong belief that I wasn't meant to be treated well by a guy I was dating.  My partnering middle sister would swear I was one more jerk away from going lesbian, and I would agree (not to say it is a choice, but it would have been in my sitch!). 

The reason I didn't know my husband was chasing me was because he was inside his head.  You may think that is the case with the majority of men, as I do, but he was different.  Most guys are in their head thinking of ways to manipulate the game and the chase, which was always apparent to me with those types.  But not him.  What I perceived back then as aloofness was actually his ability to take in what was happening and respond, if necessary, in a thoughtful way.  I absolutely love this about him.  Especially since the majority of my life has been reacting to emotional responses.  He is a logical and intuitive thinker with a very kind and respectful manner.  He is that way about everything in life.  Take it in, noodle it, and then respond.

I chased my husband because, through all the mental chatter, I got a glimpse of what an amazing human he was.  He was so loyal to those close to him and he had a lot of childhood friends.  He was always available to help.  If someone needed something, he was there immediately.  Just a phone call (there were no texts back then) and he was on his way.  He was able to take a good jeering at his expense and not retaliate.  He would laugh at himself.  He never made fun of other people because of their outward appearance, mental capacity, or intelligence.  He had a great relationship with his parents, sister and other relatives.  What's not chaseable about that guy!  

Now that I think about it, the reason our 13 year relationship is successful is because we keep chasing each other.  I'll chase that guy to the grave because he is such a wonderful person.  And he'll keep chasing me because I keep getting better because of him. 

Angsty

Nothing like being around your parents to remind you of what it felt like to be a teenager.  In the past 4 weeks I have visited with my parents twice. Once at their home in NY and now they are staying with us.  I know it was 4 weeks because I was pms'ing up in NY and vowed never again.  And here we are today, pms'ing.  How did that happen? 

It's too much to have everything questioned.  My weight loss, past jobs, neighbors, home improvements, the election, in-laws, education, etc.  The non-stop conversing kind of drives me batty.  Don't get me wrong, I'll converse the crap out of someone if it is something of substance and is going somewhere and in a somewhat designated time frame.  It's the constant negative and mindless banter that gets to me.  Non.  Stop. Starting at 7 am. Welcome to your morning, let's talk for 11 straight hours. 

I like silence. Actually, I'm comfortable enough with silence to say I love it.  I love you, Silence.  Silence to a mother of toddlers is better than ... I'm thinking too hard. Must not be coming up with anything because there is nothing comparable.

Listen people, I love my parents.  So much.  They are both amazing people.  I am about 67% sure that the conversation tone is led by my hormones causing me to turn everything negative.  I'm aware of it, and I dislike it.  Usually I'm good at putting a spin on everything.  It's just when physical and mental exhaustion meet hormones, the battle is lost. 

Because of the timing of this trip it was set up to suck from the start.  I did get some Saffron green tea which I read helps with pms and took my vitamin b.  Other than escaping upstairs with the little guy at 7:30 and ignoring my moms for the last half hour I think I was ok.  Not too mean.  But snotty enough to make me feel like a know-it-all angsty teenager. 

They leave tomorrow and we go up in 3 weeks for Thanksgiving.  Luckily for everyone that works well with my hormonal clock (unbelievable, but true).  Please pray with me that I can find a natural cocktail for these hormonal issues.  It really shouldn't feel this suck.