Distractions

Life would be so much calmer and more peaceful if there weren't distractions.  Is it insanity to try to stay on one project til it's done?  It never works out. Something comes along and catches my attention.  Like just now I'm watching Oprah and clipping coupons while the boys are napping and the husband is out fishing. Perfectly content.  Then I have to write bloggy.  Now I'm missing a pivotal point of this oprah show about 'spirit'.  Dagger!  K, commercial now.  It's times like this, when I have alone time, that I cherish. The anxiety of it being interrupted by the boys waking up early makes me feel guilty. Then I feel anger when it does happen.  Is it too much to ask for an hour or two to myself.  I know it's not and I can schedule time away but when it's pre-scheduled I would rather stay with the kids than do what was planned.  Inspiration doesnt hit when you want it to, it just happens.  Oprah's over.  Missed her log off...bet it was inspiring.

I've been dealing with a lot of rage lately and was thinking of seeing a doctor about it.  It's always when I want or need to do something (write, eat, potty) for myself and get interrupted by the kids.  I am a very engaged mom and keep the boys very well cared for.  But when I want my time and get interrupted I feel like a child not getting my way.  It's so frustrating!  I thought about seeing the doctor about my emotional instability.  But after reading a blog post (from the blog that inspired me to write) about the author taking 50 plus prescription meds a day to stabilize herself it actually reassured me not to seek professional help.  50 + doesn't help her, why would any help me? Through my besties guidance I started taking a vitamin b supplement and that really helps. 

Life is just ups and downs.  It would be amazing to not have downs but then there wouldnt be those glorious ups.  Even keel, no thanks. 

Entrepreneurship

The thought of being an entrepreneur has always appealed to me.  Being able to come up with an idea that could benefit the masses and make the world run easier, all while getting rich!   What's not to love?

I have actually 'sat' on a couple really good ideas for decades because of the patent process.  When researching the uspto site years ago (and also just seconds ago) it was just irritatingly confusing enough to discourage people like me who aren't absolutely confident, optimistic and guaranteed our inventions are the next "it" things.  I mean, you have to have a diagram and all the specific terminology written out and it takes foreves for them to research your idea to see if it (or something just similar enough) exists, etc.  Although the research fee is nominal, especially if you are going to make gajillions, who wants to pay up front.  Any time I have $125 (or $250, can't remember the fee amount) sitting around, oh wait, we never have money sitting around.  To pay a cable bill's amount of a fee for a drawn out gamble, not into it.  

So last night I randomly put on a past episode of Shark Tank on OnDemand.  If you don't know, the Shark Tank is a show about hopefuls that go to established entrepreneurs or business execs and request capital investments in return for a percentage of their company or product.  This show is absolutely riveting!  Since discovering it last year, I have had visions of being in front of the panel, and later being in the panel.

The episode I watched last night was about a lady that dreamt up a product.  Having had premonition-ish dreams before, I gave it a shot.  Before sleepy town I said in my head, over and over and over, for my life's path to present itself.

I woke up around 3:30 a.m. with no recollection of my subconscious prompting prior to conking out but a very strong feeling about Spiderman soap.  For over an hour I noodled this soap idea in my head and came up with the following idea:  a wafer-sized soap disk (kind of like this but smaller) that has a child friendly image on it that lasts the length of the bath.  It promotes proper personal hygiene and I believe moms would buy it for their own kids and as presents, or for birthday swag bags.

After getting my mental image, and contemplating if I should write it down, I went back to sleep.  After I woke up it took a while to remember the idea.  Once I did I went onto Johnson and Johnson's website.  The process on the site to submit product ideas is, well, a process.  By no means is this a dig on their protocol, it's just that navigating a website, in between feeding the boys, feeding myself, doing the laundry, going on a walk, dishwasher, blah blah blah, it's not feasible.  I mean, it's taken me over 7 hours to write this blog and I'm not even nearly done...or even sure it's clear.  During my shower I was looking at the Aveeno wash that we use on the babe and thinking about how I never wrote a thank you to Johnson and Johnson for having the only products that helped my baby's horrible eczema.  Then I thought about tweeting them.  Then I thought about tweeting them my idea.  It really should be that easy, right?   Having worked for a company that utilized social media for customer service purposes I have a bit of knowledge of the staffing and importance of monitoring these messages.  So, I'm going to use the K.I.S.S. method and see how it works out.

During the past 24 hours, I have decided I will no longer hoard my ideas that I think may benefit others because I may not get a payday.  I am living the life I've always dreamed of (for more visit Contented entry) and with the exception of sometimes feeling stressed out by our financial obligations (typically peaks on the 14th of each month) things are amazing.

I'm glad I never did go through with the formal patent process before because it's all unfolding as it should. 

Sick

Over the past three days I was reminded why I love my husband so much.

He got a horrible stomach bug on Sunday morning, which just so happened to be his birthday.  He didn't complain about it or feel sorry for himself.  He didn't mope around because he wasn't going to be able to go fishing.  He just laid in bed and tried to recover.  On Monday I asked if he needed anything and he asked for chicken noodle soup and I said there was none so he said he was ok.  He didn't get angry or irritated or ask me to go buy some.  He just ate crackers.  The big one and I did end up getting him some at the store a bit later.  But I didn't make it for him because we needed to head over to my niece's for her third birthday celebration.

In the middle of Monday night our oldest son caught the bug.  My husband rearranged his schedule at work so the big one and I could sleep since we were up all night with him vomitting.  About 2 hours into his delayed work day the baby got sick so he came home.  My husband then cleaned the bathroom and bedding.  He went to the store and bought laundry detergent, bread, and "powderade" (our magical elixir of powerade and pedialyte).  He made toast for the boys and kept them hydrated with water and powderade.  He disinfected and hosed off the baby's pack n play.  He opened up all the upstairs windows and set up our bedroom so the four of us could stay together last night.

He did all of this so I could lay in bed with the sickies and keep them comfortable and assist with their vomitting needs.  Usually when my boys are sick I do serious deep cleaning on the house because of all the nervous energy inside of me.  This tends to wear me down physically so after the boys have recovered, I'm wrecked.

There's not a doubt in my mind that the only reason I didn't catch what the boys had is because my husband boosted my immune system by allowing me to help heal our sons.  This is a lesson for future me to just comfort, love and physically be there for them the next time they get sick.  Oh, and also to be more helpful to my husband when he is sick.  Yes, I do feel tremendously guilty that I couldn't put soup in a pot and stir it for 3 minutes when he was sick. 

I never would have thought a 3 day vomit fest would bond our family closer together, but that's what happened!

Nurse

For more than a year after I had my first son I couldn't speak about our delivery nurse without getting watery eyed.  The nurturing care that was shown to me and my boys during the experience will be held in my mind for forever.  My nurse's ability to share and assist in such an intimate experience with us, as absolute strangers, makes her a hero in my mind.

She was so calm and made me feel so comfortable (I'm not just talking drugs here people).  She listened, she was kind and was never in a rush.  She had real empathy in her eyes when it got to that point where I felt like my life was ending because of the pain.  She rallied for me.  More importantly, she rallied for my husband.  She told him what an amazing job he was doing and how he should be in every delivery room assisting.  She gave him the confidence to be strong while he watched his true love mentally and physically break down in front of him.  Somehow she knew if she could keep him strong, I would get through it.  Just so you don't think I'm being overdramatic, my 10 lb son that was 23.5 inches long was born face up after 4 hours of pushing.  I still can't believe it didn't kill me.    

I understand that I was her patient and that every day she comes to work she helps women have babies.  She is a mom and has a husband and a home and chores and bills and her own life.  So for her to be that focused on me and care that much about my well being and unborn babe, having never met me before, still astounds me to this day.

I hope on her bad days she can recall the lives she has touched so gracefully.  I know she's had to see some sad things, but I hope the good outweighs the bad and that she can move on from any traumas.  I hope she continues to have that same empathy and strength and spirit for women she's never met.  I hope she doesn't give so much of herself it takes away from her happiness.  I hope that she is able to feel the same care and love from a stranger that she made me feel that day. 

My boys are so lucky for their first moments in life to be surrounded by a loving community of strangers and family.  The birthing experience is an example of just how magnificent this world can be when people give themselves to others in a selfless way. 

Necessities

It seems simple enough.  Eat well, drink water, sleep enough.  That's what is needed to physically survive. 

The majority of my day involves paying attention to the kids/husband/dog, cleaning the house, paying the bills, grocery shopping, preparing meals, and doing laundry.

I try to add in watching a show, reading, writing, reaching out to friends and family, and praying. 

It's pretty overwhelming. 

I think if I could take the survival needs more seriously life could be easier.  When I fuel myself with unprocessed whole foods it helps me think clearer and have more energy.  When I drink water it keeps me from snacking and getting headaches from dehydration.  When I sleep well at night it relaxes my body and gives me a good start to the day. 

Here's hoping I can implement this healthy triangle daily and not just sporadically.

Concern

I dont understand the paths a couple of my closest girlfriends are going down and I have no idea how to hang out with these friends without voicing my concern.  Avoidance has always worked in the past but my friends and I reconnect and then it comes out.  And then I get blamed for being Judgey McJudgerson and for that causing the distance in our relationship.

I sincerely dislike losing touch with my girls but I also dont like being around them when they are making bad decisions and inflicting pain on themselves (consciously or subconsciously) and/or others.  I just cant sit there and be silent. 

When I am going through stuff and talk it out with my friends/family it is because I am looking for guidance or learned suggestions.  To me, talking about my issues isnt a way to get attention it is a way to get a solution.
I have no problem ending relationships if it is a caustic situation or the person is too negative.  That is a main reason for my confusion with these two girls because I cant shake the feelings I have for them.  We have an inexplicable connection.  Then again, is our bond really that strong if we cant be our real unfiltered selves around each other? 

Sisters

The sister trip was absolutely awesome!  We decided to make it an annual event (with permission from the husbands, of course).

Prior to the trip I talked to each of the sisters individually and we all had a bit of anxiety that there would be some turmoil, but there was none.  Considering how different, and how alike, we are, it's pretty incredible there was no blood shed.  Our differences are physical (no one believes we are sisters), financial, political and spiritual.  Our similarities are that we are all sensitive, out spoken, filterless, and opinionated.  Seriously, can you believe there were no fights?  One bed room, one bathroom, two beds, four sisters for 3 days and 2 nights.  Now that I think of it, maybe that should be our only trip.  Don't want to jinx it! 

We had such a wonderful time together.  The oldest and youngest went parasailing while the middle sister and I watched from the boat.  $50 to potentially pee my pants from the sky, no thanks!  Three of the four of us wanted to get souvenirs for the kiddie's so we all shopped together.  The oldest sister and I sat in the warm tub (it flowed into the pool so the water wasn't hot, oh well) while the other two chatted pool side.  We ate all our meals together, with the majority at Malia's Cafe. That place was so delicious and had options for our meat eater, vegans, and vegetarian.  The prices were very low considering the huge portions.  We all laid out on the beach of few times during the weekend.  The little sister and I took turns going into the water with the oldest.  She liked getting hit by the waves a little too much.  I got taken under (3 feet) and swear it was the universe baptizing me.  That happened on Friday and was only brought up in conversation about 15 times...that day. 

I am so grateful for this past weekend.  I feel like we learned from our pasts and were able to truly comprehend where each of us "is" now.  Being surrounded by my strong beautiful sisters reminds me of how important it is to continue molding my family into greatness.  The four of us were bonded by blood but now we are bonded by love and respect. 

Beach!

It is the eve of my first ever sister vacay and I'm boiling over with excitement!  My 3 sisters and I will be going to the beach for the weekend.  After I drop off the big boy at preschool tomorrow morning we are bouncing.

The hotel looks great.  There's an indoor pool and hot tub.  We have an ocean front room with a balcony and our room has a microwave and mini fridge.  It's 2 double beds with a flat screen tv mounted in front of one bed.  Why not put it in the middle?  I'm going to try to call dibs on the bed in front of the tv.  What's the sitch with that?  Is it like calling shot gun?  First person to call it once everyone is in the room wins?

The timing of this trip couldn't have been any better.  My middle sister and I have both been dealing with our big boys starting school.  Hers just started full time kindergarten.  The little sister just finished a huge deadline at her intense government job and started school to get a phd (I'm going to be related to a doctor!).  And the oldest sister just had her daughter become a teenager.  She's also been traveling a lot for work. 

I haven't done a thing to prepare myself.  I've been running around the past couple days trying to get the house and fridge ready.  Making sure there are pj's in the right place, extra wipes, clean dishes, diapers at every station, easy prep food, etc.  I think I've actually made myself sick again for the 2nd time in 2 weeks.  Unless it's the changing weather.  2 colds in a month has never happened before.  I usually get sick twice a year.  My immune system is magnificent.  It has to be all the stress.  Preschool, finances, leaving the boys, anticipation about the 4 sisters in one room.  YIKES!  That's enough about that. 

We've never done a trip like this before.  It's rare to get the 4 of us together, even for holidays, because of all our different familial obligations. I'm sure it will be absolutely amazing and hopefully become an annual event. 

Dear Hot Tub,
I'll be there soon.
Love, Felicity

Forgiveness

One of the most effective tools I learned from the book Quantum Wellness by Kathy Freston is to forgive yourself.  Until I read pages 168 and 169, and put it into action, I never got just how time and energy consuming it is to harbor such negative feelings.  I also didn't realize I needed to forgive myself for making my youngest son's beginning miserable and for feeling like a bad mom. 

In order to forgive myself, I had to apologize to my 19 month old son.  Initially when I decided to apologize to my baby, who wasn't speaking yet, I felt like an idiot.

While my husband and big boy were in the living room I followed my little guy into the bedroom.  I grabbed him by his shoulders and turned him to face me.  I knelt down and I apologized to him for being the second child and therefore not receiving the same attention his brother had.  I apologized for his many digestion issues that he got from me mixing in inconsistent amounts of formula while he was nursing (who knew) and for giving him formula that constipated him for days (it was the same stuff we gave the big boy).  I apologized for his eczema and cradle cap that he would scratch until it bled.  Once I started apologizing they started flowing out.  I had no idea there was so much inside me making me feel like an inadequate mom.  The whole time I was saying these things to him he just stood there and stared at me and listened (which is miraculous for a 19 month old). His angelic round face with his chubby cheeks and piercing eyes looked right through me to my core.  It was truly beautiful and a pure bonding moment that I will remember for the rest of my life.  

After we went back into the living room I sat on the couch and, while being surrounded by the 4 boys (husband, sons, and doggie) who mean the entire world to me, I forgave myself.  I didn't make any promises that I would be a better mom or more attentive and aware of what was going on.  I didn't make excuses for what had happened.  I just sat there and said (inside my head-so the husband wouldn't think I was losing it) that I forgive myself and love myself. 

After the apology and forgiveness there has been a dynamic change in my relationship with my youngest.  He (I) is a lot less aggressive and tense.  He (I) listens better.  He (I) is a lot more affectionate.  He (I) is a lot less angry.  He (I) seems like a new baby (mama). 

It's a very healing thing to be able to apologize, forgive and then move on from the past.  I hope you are able to, if needed. 

Vent

My intention was to only post when I had positive things to say but that's not very realistic.

This morning I started the day with dropping the dryer on my toe.  The dryer as in "washer and dryer".  I was moving it closer to the washer so clothes wouldn't fall between the two and dropped the corner of it on my toe.  I literally ran in place and screamed, "that felt f$@&ing awesome!"  It's always a sarcastic rant.  

This was followed with my older boy crying from when he woke up until I dropped him at school about not wanting to go.  He started part time preschool last week and went Wednesday and Friday.  Wednesday was no problem.  Friday he ran into the hall and called after me.  This morning was just horrible.  The teacher had to physically hold him back and I left in tears (he didn't see though).  I hated school.  Forcing him feels so wrong.  He's not a crier and this behavior was not typical for him.  I assume he was perfectly fine by the time the baby and I got outside the front door (before I was done crying) but it's just the not knowing that is so hard.  How long was he crying for?  Did the teacher get annoyed with him?  Are the other kids going to make fun of him?  Is this going to happen all the time?  Are the teachers going to label him as the cry baby/mama's boy? 

As a teenager I worked at the school where we are sending him, which is the only reason I trust that his behavior was emotional and not based on his experience at the school.  It's such a well run establishment.  It's still owned by the same two that owned it while I worked there.  I have seen others I worked with from 16 years ago!  It's just the perfect place.  And you can tell by the tuition.  But it's worth it.  He has 2 teachers and 2 teachers aides in his class.  They have music every day that is directed by a conductor of a local symphony.   There's a playground that is shaded by old gorgeous trees.  The activities that the kids do are thoughtfully planned and are developmentally challenging and age appropriate. 

Looking at our budget for the upcoming month with the added tuition in itself is overwhelming.  Add in the boys response this morning and it was almost enough to make me run up to the truck in front of me at the stop light and beg for one of his cigs.  I didn't because I know that this too shall pass.

It seems so unfair when there is financial and emotional stress at the same time.  Luckily I get to go pick up the boy now and ease the emotional stress.  Until Wednesday morning...

Contented

I love my life.  I live a very contented life.  I have an amazing husband, two beautiful sons and a devoted dog.  Our extended family members are all healthy and we are close with them.  We are lucky enough to have dear friends in our lives that care about us and we them.  We also own a home (in the school district where we want the boys to go to) and have 2 cars.

The reason I'm telling you this is because I want you to have an idea of why I am able to be at this specific place in my life.  This "place" is the aggressive quest towards becoming a positive and fulfilled person.  This quest involves a lot of reading, self reflection, conversing, and praying. 

I looked at my husband about a month ago and told him I feel so lucky and blessed to have everything I've ever wanted at such a young age (33 seems young to me!).  It was important to both of us that one of us would stay at home and raise our kids.  Both of our moms were stay at homes when we were children.  For me it is so beautiful to see our procreation's grow and learn and live every second in the present moment.  Holidays have that same childlike feeling for us because we experience the boys joy by watching their unfiltered enthusiasm.

I understand now that the life I live isn't for everyone.  Before I felt bad for being so happy and guilty for my friends or people I would meet that didn't have what I have.  Then after talking it over with the gals, the same conversation started echoing back.  Both of us mom's would say, "I don't know how you do it!".  The corporate world was not for me.  9 to 5, professional dress, small talk, face to face human interaction.  No way.  Others are fulfilled when they have found a career and are surrounded by their peers and accomplishing tasks and making great progress.

I think that is the goal in life.  To find what you need to thrive.  To each his own!  If you are comfortable and love your life you can really begin to improve on your spirituality, your relationships and your inner core.   

If you are still on the path to find your happy place you can enjoy the sites of mine til you get to yours! 

Goodness

Everyone is born good.
Then life happens.

We experience our world through the people in it and our perception of them.  In most cases, we become hardened and desensitized because of our encounters with these people and from viewing their actions.  We build up emotional walls as a way to protect ourselves.  But protect ourselves from what?  Vulnerability, rejection, shame, embarrassment?  Exactly.

Since all humans are similar, it is easy to tear someone down or be torn down depending on ones personal experiences.  Unfortunately, there is no cap on how much hurt, deceit and emptiness a person can feel.  But the universe also doesn't have a cap on how much success, happiness, and love a person can experience.

What an amazing place this world would be if, instead of judging or competing, we felt compassion and/or empathy and cheered on our fellow humans.  Like all things in life, if we can make a habit out of choosing the positive action it will become engrained in the day to day.  Smile, forgive, trust, accept, listen and love. 

Something I say before leaving the house is, "Please help my light to shine bright so that anyone I interact with today is able to receive that light."  I have seen that it works.  I am more open towards people and they are to me, too.  Positive human connection.  It's quite beautiful!        

Relapse

As I stated in the last post, my sobriety decision was not planned.  The cleanse I was on was 20 days and the first 3 days were absolutely horrible!  I started on a Monday morning and by Wednesday evening I was ready to quit.  I was standing in the kitchen with my husband and grabbed him by the shoulders and said, "Look, if you want me to go to the bar right now and get cheese fries and a Guinness, I will do it!  For you."  We then discussed how the third day of quitting anything is the hardest because that is the peak of when all the toxins leave the body.   I was already through the toughest part.  To quit would be ludicrous.

By day 7 I felt better than I have ever felt in my life.  I had more energy than I did as a child (discussing this with my little sister led to the realization that the wonder years were sluggish because of second hand smoke).  Feeling that amazing made me realize maybe I should incorporate some of the rules of the cleanse into my day to day life.  It was the right decision.

Since sobriety wasn't planned I came up with a very thoughtful idea to start drinking again once all the triggers were gone and I could drink in moderation.  Good one!

 In preparation for our first ever sister vacay weekend I decided to have a dry run (hehe) in the security of my home to make sure I could handle my entrance into the social drinking world.

My husband brought home a bottle of red.  I poured a not so moderate amount into one of our wedding wine glasses.  The first sip was everything I could hope for.  It was so delicious ad I could literally feel the warmth in my mouth, then down my throat and into my chest.  The first glass I sipped and energetically organized my bedroom while texting my sister about what I was doing.  Each sip tasted better and made me feel better.  The second glass I watched a show and laughed and thought about how absolutely amazing drinking is and how this feeling should never end and why did I ever stop drinking in the first place.  Here it comes.  Third glass.  My thoughts:  Why my husband is ignoring me?  I sent him a text forever ago.  He's the worst.  Doesn't he know I need attention right now?  Oh, he's coming upstairs.  I'm tired.  I think I said some mean things to him but have no recollection.  And he wouldn't tell me cause he's not the type to bring it up after the fact.  I'm mean.  He goes to check on our son.  I'm out.


I wake up at 1:00 am and stay in bed with my foggy thoughts until around 2:30.  Then I go downstairs and start reading.  Until 5 am.  That's a long and sobering 4 hours.  I felt like complete trash.  Physically and emotionally.  I was emotionally tore up because that's how alcohol works.  It's a depressant.  High highs and low lows.  God I hated the lows.  It made me question everything.  My parenting, wifeing, morals, motivation, etc.

I pulled the cork around 7:30 and was blacked out by 9:00.  Ouch.

I'm not hard on myself for drinking because it was a great experiment and in a controlled environment.  It wasn't supposed to be an experiment but that's what it was.  Before the cleanse I had no idea I would quit drinking and that it should be for the rest of my life.  Since my experience a couple weeks ago I now know.  It was nice to be able to experience the full gamut and recognize each phase as I passed through it...until the whole blacking out part.  Cheers to a lifetime of sobriety for me! 

Sobriety

I quit drinking on April 23, 2012.  It wasn't a premeditated move but abstaining from alcohol was part of a cleanse I started.  I attempted to quit drinking in November 2011 and that lasted a couple weeks and there was a 21 day stint when I was in my early 20's.  During both of my pregnancies no alcohol was consumed (well, after the second the stick showed up with 2 lines). 

I started drinking when I was a 17 year old senior in high school.  Before having my first son it was beer and then after becoming a mom I matured and started drinking red wine.  Which is way classier than beer. 

My beer drinking days would be, on average, 6 days a week and anywhere from 6 to 8 bottles or cans a night.  When I progressed to wine it was around a bottle a night. 

I loved being drunk.  I loved how it physically made me feel.  The warmth in my chest and in my cheeks.  The feeling of weightlessness.  I also loved the way I looked.  The wild glossy eyes, the pink cheeks, the coy smiles.

More importantly, I loved how drinking altered my personality.  Drinking made me funnier.  I had less of a filter and was quick with the wit.  I would say whatever would pop into my mind.  No fear of the repercussions of what I said.  If it was a thought in my head, while I was drinking, it had to be an insightful truth.  I was so quick to share everything because these provoking thoughts and observations made me engaging and smart.

I've always wanted to be smart.  Well, I've always wanted people to think I am smart.  Growing up we all had labels.  My oldest sister was "The Smart One", my partnering middle sister was "The Funny One", I was "The Pretty One" and the baby was all of our strengths combined.  My little sister is perfect.  Smart, funny and pretty.  I would say it isn't fair but she's smart enough to realize that outside appearance doesn't matter.  She doesn't use her looks in an opportunistic or cunning way. 

Like my little sister, I know that beauty is only skin deep.  And to have that be my label was heart breaking to me.   

So, I would drink to be all the things I wanted to be.  Smart, funny and pretty.  I didn't have the confidence to know that I could be all of these things without mind altering substances.  

Now that I have realized that the labels in my head were in my head it's easier to be what I want to be while sober.  Trust me, it has been a long and very emotional trip to "recovery" but I am getting there.

My live thoughts are that I want to thank whatever or whoever for making this happen.  Being able to dive inside myself and have realizations that make me understand why I've done what I've done or who I am recovering from is a very therapeutic thing.  I'm trying to help you and it is really helping me!

I do sincerely hope that if you are reading this and having issues with any substances that this has shed some light.  We all walk down our own paths but it is encouraging to know there are those who have gone before us that can help along the way, or at least relate and pray for us.  Sobriety is difficult and emotional but the benefits and clarity are so worth it. 

If I can help in any way, please let me know.  And if you have been where we are, your positive and supportive thoughts are appreciated. Thank you for reading and for your time. 

Conception

My horoscope today is quite encouraging.  It says I came up with an idea and then after thinking about it for a while thought it seemed undoable.  But in fact, it is viable.  It also said the universe is encouraging me to inspire myself again.  I am going to start writing more.  Writing always made me feel good. 

I have so much going on inside my head and want so much to be a positive and good influence. I want to be the change that I want to see in the world. 

I am still trying to figure out what I want to do with this.  Be sincere?  Definitely.  But use my wit and sarcasm?  Will it translate?  I want my experiences and truths to help but I also never want to embarrass or shame my family.  How do you truly be yourself, on record, without fear of it being taken out of context?  Or even worse, misinterpreted by your family.  Wanting to help the greater good shouldn't result in damaging my relationships.

Now that I've decided to do this, the anticipation is setting in.  Do I come up with an outline and list of future topics?  Have a set writing schedule?  A proofreader?  Should I tell my closest confidants about it to get some readers?  Or, just let the readers find it on their own?

I've always been professional and organized but the gut feeling I'm getting is that wanting to wait to put this out there is really just my fears of no one reading it, people not "getting" it, being unclear or confusing to the reader, and filtering myself which would not let my real talent shine through.   

That was yesterday's journal entry.  Since then I started this blog.  As I stated, all those fears were swarming in my mind but ultimately the thought of helping people prevailed.  Believe me, the concern of shaming my family was almost crippling but I can't and wont live in fear.  If something I write about one of my past judgements is enough to break a familial bond but help even one person that was experiencing something similar, it has to be done. This path I've chosen to take to make myself a better person, and to help others in the process, is resulting in an unwavering faith that all things will be as they should.  Thank you for reading and for your time. 

Welcome

My horoscope today said I am lacking motivation because I haven't defined where I want to go.  It said to come up with a personal motto that will capture my plans for my future self.  Hours after initially reading my horoscope, while watching "All Dogs Go to Heaven" with my 3 year old, I reread the horoscope and asked for a sign.  Just then the adorable puppies in the movie started singing "the more you give the more you get".  I got my sign loud and clear!  

After mulling the words over for a while it evolved into, "the more you give, the better life gets!".  I smiled big.  That was followed by happiness and excitement.  Then I tried to decide what I can give.  Obviously not money, because there are 4 of us solely on my husband's salary in the 3rd most expensive county in the U.S.  Or time, because I'm raising the boys and the husband's work schedule varies every day.  We already donate regularly to the Purple Heart Organization (they always have trucks that pick up in our neighborhood) and to any other charity that our friends participate in and request a donation.  

So, what could I give?  

I thought of my life and personality.  I have traveled the world (military upbringing) and am very strong willed, opinionated, and experienced with a variety of jobs, relationships, and substances. Thinking of all this made me realize that my experiences, advice and a sincere ear is what I should give.  

People of all types have been drawn to me and have told me some of their most hidden secrets.  I assumed they were loose lipped and told everyone all their woes.  Within the past week it occurred to me that maybe people trust me.  Maybe they value my opinion.  Or, maybe they just want someone who will genuinely listen.  These are all things I give openly and sincerely.  

The reason is because I want to help people be happy.  I want to be happy.  The fastest way to make myself happy is to make someone else happy.  This doesn't cost a cent and is one of the best gifts I can give someone.  My true undivided attention.  I understand that when someone is telling me about an obstacle in their life or a problem they are experiencing that they are trusting me with their vulnerable feelings.  It is a great honor and the magnitude of this trust is respected. 

The previous script is a journal entry I wrote yesterday.  My live thoughts are that I will give this blog and the entries to you in an attempt to change the world for the better.  Within the past few months I have been reading a lot and trying to figure life out.  What I've learned is that the human race is a community.  We are all connected.  We have the means now to change the world for a better place.  My attempt at this is by being completely authentic.  I am still unsure as to how this will all unfold but can appreciate that fate and my sincerity are guiding this journey.  Thanks for reading and for your time.